I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
