when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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