my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
