There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
