the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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