Sacagawea was the original milf.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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