Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love you. Go after that dick
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