Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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