God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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