is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
They took my balls.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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