textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
