dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
