She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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