No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
