My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So apparently I’m into choking now
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
