I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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