If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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