Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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