I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
