A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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