apparently the secret to your success is patron
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
