I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
