the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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