I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
