Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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