So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All I want is dick and wine.
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