just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
