I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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