So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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