My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
