nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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