if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
