I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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