But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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