Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
