: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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