My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
