Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
