nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
