I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize