We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
