Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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