My hand turned me down
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
