There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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