Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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