chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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