just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
