wrigley field is MILF paradise
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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