new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
