if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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