apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
