Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It was like giving head to a cactus.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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