my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
