Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
