I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Floor bacon is actually really good
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
