I smell stomach acid.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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