My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
