don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
